I'm on house-arrest. Yes, hot and sexy... I was sentenced to 30 days for an alcohol-related charge - but my lawyer got my "time" reduced to 15 days. I had my choice of jail time, community service which is described as "8-10 hours of manual labor," or the house-arrest anklet. Sure, there's a possibility I could have done the jail time and been let out quickly but I just couldn't take that risk of even having to stay 1 night. Plus, I have bathroom issues and the thought of having to use a jail toilet in front of people was not something I needed to add to my memoirs. So I chose the anklet - hey, Martha Stewart had it for 5 months so if she can do it, so can I. Of course, she had a huge staff of people to take care of her, but....
So, off to Banning, CA from Palm Springs to register for the anklet. I arrived early and had to wait in line with a bunch of hoodlums. But a nice chola asked me for a cigarette so we chatted a bit about what to expect. She was nice but I kept focusing on her badly drawn on eyebrows - I wanted to tell her - "Honey - you could use a template and have a much nicer, more natural arch," but I didn't want to get shanked before I even made it inside the building. She was there for a DUI and said she was just going to do the community service. There was one very cute Latin boy with his mother who said he was there for his second DUI and he got it ON his way to work - at a bar!
The doors opened and we all filed in - signed in and took a seat. A woman Sheriff deputy yelled that anyone wearing hats or beanies would need to remove them immediately. There was a guy with a "do-rag" who didn't respond so I kept wondering - "is a do-rag considered a hat or beanie? Would it be considered racist to have him remove it? What about a turban?" Anyway, I noticed that I was probably the only gay boy there. I filled out the paperwork and a video started explaining how the house-arrest thing works. You have to wear an anklet 24 hours a day - it is hypoallergenic, sturdy and water-resistant. You can shower with it on. The actress who was playing the role of the house-arrest convict was a heavy-set Latin woman with huge point breasts. She seemed just a little too jolly and happy about the whole thing.
The clerk at the front desk was a homely girl who could do with some make-up and eyebrow plucking and she was grumpy grumpy. She called my name and asked if I had an appointment or was there to sign up. I said, "I think I have an appointment," since the judge wrote on the my paperwork to be there at 9 am, but I guess I was there to "sign up." That's different, she blurted out. Um okay, bitch. I waited forever and got stuck next to this loud guy who kept bragging about how he got 45 days for speeding on his motorcycle at 177 mph. I kept trying to tune him out so I could memorize the video that was repeating every 8 minutes. The video sure made the process look quick and easy which was clearly not the case. I finally had to ask Miss Grumpy Cunty Clerk if my name was still on the list because I had been waiting for 2 hours and even motorcycle speed-racer came in after I did and was called before me, sans appointment! She asked my name and just turned away as she said, "Yeah - you're still on the list."
Finally, a deputy who looked about 12 years old in a uniform called out my name and asked if I had paid attention to the video. I said, "Yes - I've watched it 28 times." He said, "Well, before I process your paperwork, I wanted to make sure you haven't changed your mind so it won't be a big waste of time." Um okay. He called me in about 20 minutes later and I could tell immediately that this kid was going to try and be big ol' tough cop with me. He went over the rules and I had to sign a bunch of waivers giving law enforcement the right to search my house and/or vehicle without a warrant because this house-arrest/anklet deal was a "privilege." He said I couldn't consume or have alcohol in my house nor any weapons. Then, he said, "So if you have any Samurai swords around, you better get rid of them." Okay racist fuck - just because my last name is Yamamoto doesn't mean I have Samurai swords throughout my mid-century modern house. But, I had to bite my tongue because he was playing "tough cop" and my life for the next 15 days was suddenly in Junior's hands. Fuck.
I signed all the paperwork, paid $90 processing fee to Cunty Clerk (CC for short) and had to make an appointment to come in another day for my "equipment" which consists of the anklet (put on by a trained deputy) and a monitoring device that has to go through a standard phone line. I took the next day and Junior said, "Are you sure you'll be ready with all the paperwork by then?! Because if you're not, you'll have to reschedule and pay another $90 fee!" "Um yeah - I'll have it all ready, Sir!" They had their pens attached to fake flowers so us convicts wouldn't steal them, I suppose. I said to Junior as he held the pen, "You look really tough with that flowery pen." My only dig.
So back to Palm Springs... the next morning, back to Banning. Luckily, I had an appointment now. I saw CC again and yelled, "Good Morning!!!" as I signed in to which I received no acknowledgment nor reply. I waited 10 minutes past my appointment time and was called in by another grumpy lady sheriff. I smiled at everyone I passed yet no one acknowledged my presence and my optimistic good mood. Couldn't charm my way out of the arrest so I guess it shouldn't have been any surprise.
We went over all of my paperwork. I wanted to tell her that she was actually quite pretty and I liked her glasses, but I refrained. I signed yet more paperwork and asked her what the actual range of the monitoring device was... she looked at me with a blank stare, "What?" I said, "My house isn't huge but isn't tiny - about 1800 square feet. How far can walk around?" She replied, "Within the walls." "I can't go in my yard?" "No." "I can't take the trash out?" "Is your garage attached or separate?" "Separate." "You can't go in your garage." HOT. She said, "If there's a problem, someone will call you." So I was sent to another seat to wait to pay more money to CC and wait for my equipment. I was sitting next to a hot white trash stoner-looking guy. I asked him how long he had been waiting and how many "days" he had. He said, "I've been waiting like 10 minutes. I have 66 days." I said, "Wow - what for?" "Domestic violence." Um okay - hot. I finally paid and waited... yet another mean grumpy lady sheriff called my name out and seemed so annoyed that I was even there. She brought me back to her desk and attached my anklet. I said, "Either leg?" And she rolled her eyes and said, "It doesn't matter." So, I thought - I have my left tit pierced - should the anklet match that side? What would photograph best? Right ankle? What about my balance? How much does this thing weigh? I opted for the right leg to offset the balance issues from my left nipple piercing and my wrist watch. She put it on really tight and sent me on my way. Holding my black bag of equipment, I once again, left gorgeous Banning, CA for Palm Springs.
Dilemma - I had to get a land line installed for this "privilege." Who has a land line these days? Because of the crazy old wiring in my house, the Verizon tech took over 3 hours to get a phone jack to work inside - the one at the far South end of the house in the master bedroom. I was so nervous that he wasn't going to be able to get it to work, but I told him the truth in my toughest "straight guy" voice and then he responded, "Oh - shit man - my son was on house-arrest for over a year. My wife got busted recently... blah blah." So I guess the "con bond?" worked in my favor. Who knew there were so many ex-cons out there?? I gave him a $60 tip and 2 bottles of wine. But the dilemma - I asked what the range was and I knew the unit was supposed to be "centrally located." Hmm - if the unit is in the far bedroom and I'm all the way to the North in the den or laundry room, would I sound off an alarm and then have sheriffs knocking at my door to investigate for my Samurai swords and booze? Shit. And the unit should be on a table at least 3 feet tall and not on a tv nor microwave. The phone cord provided by the Riverside County Sheriff's Dept. was supposed to be 10 feet long. Um okay - I measured - it was 3 feet long. Fuck. So off to the store to get a longer line. But is this a regular phone line? Or something special to operate this efficient monitoring system? Oh well - I got a 50 foot phone cord and plugged in my "unit" in a central location. Only a green light and a digital timer showed to indicate (which I hoped) was that the unit was working properly and I was officially on "house-arrest."
Now the video I watched 37 times said that the "system will monitor your every action." Hmm - next dilemma - is this some sort of heat-seeking GPS system like in the first Charlie's Angels movie when the hot freaky guy was trying to blow up Charlie while he spoke on the phone? Shit - will they be able to see me masturbating on the bathroom floor with my legs in the air? See me on the toilet? Can they see if there's another heat source penetrating me?? Oh the dilemma. Google time.
